two years. it's been two years since my last post. so many seasons and so many changes have sifted my life in these past two years. i found and fell in love with a man that is now my husband. quite recently i have found and fallen in love with a sweet baby named Addie, our newborn daughter. i couldn't have imagined that at 30 years of age my life would be here. the blessings of my life are so much greater than i ever could have imagined.
someone once told me that "God speaks in seasons." that God's word to me in this season may be different than the last season. this is why we are to be in constant pursuit of Him in all things.
i am learning something wonderful from Addie. she is barely three weeks old and i have never been so tired in my life. she is exhausting. her world literally falls apart every 2-3 hours when she is hungry, needs a diaper, is too tired to sleep, needs to be held, or just decides to be fussy... being the mother of a newborn is 24/7 crisis management. it is exhausting yet i have never felt so fulfilled in my entire life and ministry. Addie is a piece of my destiny, and she fills a place in my heart that nothing else can fill. i have love for her that was put in my heart for her alone, love that i didn't even know i had in my heart until she showed up. its incredible.
in the midst of all of the diapers, bottles, and late night cries i am experiencing God in beautiful ways. my sweet little peanut may be inconsolable at times, and sometimes i can't do anything to comfort her. in those moments she does this thing where she manages to snuggle her way into my chest and places her ear on my heart. once she settles into position she begins to calm down and finds rest in my arms. she wants to be close to my heart when she is hurting or upset, because it's familiar and it's safe. she spent 41 weeks listening to that heartbeat and the world is big and scary.
she knows if she can find her way back to my heart she will feel safe, she will be ok.
the same week Addie was born, we lost a great man. our founding pastor had a heart attack and we lost him. it has been a painful, confusing season for a lot of us that loved him. there are a lot of people whose worlds that have been shaken and fallen apart. we try to understand the ways of God is times of hardship, and in times like this there is no understanding to bring comfort. it's in seasons of loss and mourning that we too struggle to find comfort, the world becomes big and scary and there is nothing to console our troubled souls.
i'm taking pointers from Addie. maybe God isn't going to speak in this "season" in a way that we can understand. maybe when our worlds fall apart all we have left to do is find our way back to His heart, back into the safety of His arms. and just maybe, we will be ok.
i know it can seem like God doesn't understand or isn't answering. i'm sure my baby feels like that about me when she is in mid-meltdown. i try everything i know to reach her and comfort her yet she finds peace close to my heart. i'd like to think it's the same with God. He does everything he can to reach us but it's only in finding our way back to His heart that peace will come.
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