Hearing the Voice of God

I was raised as a Christian under an ideology that taught me that the God of creation speaks. This concept wasn’t necessarily the basis of my faith in God, but it was a thread that was woven into my relationship and understanding of who God is. “Hearing the Voice of God” was not a class that was taught in my Bible College nor a prerequisite to receiving my ordination.  Yet the ability to hear from God was a measurable marker in my development as a person of faith as well as a spiritual leader.  

The idea that “God speaks” is a foundational pillar of Christianity that has its origins in the creation story.  In Genesis 1, God speaks the world into existence. “God said, let there be…” and “there was.”  God then speaks and creates man, and then speaks to man as they walk in the garden together.  The instruction God gives man leads to the fall and we learn within the first few pages of the story that obedience (or disobedience) leads to life or to death.  From the very beginning, God speaks and interacts with humanity. This theme continues throughout the story of the Bible from Adam and Noah, to Abraham the father of the faith.  God speaks to the prophets and even in and through the life and ministry of Jesus.

Christianity aside, I think it’s fair to assume that most people who would identify themselves somewhere on the spiritual spectrum would agree that God speaks in one way or another.  Spirituality is birthed at the crossroads of humanity intersecting with Spirit. This intersection takes root in a greater power or energy that exists within the universe or within yourself. A spiritual person lives in harmony, connecting to Spirit and hopefully finds peace within their relationship and communication with God, however that is defined.

As I've been on this journey of deconstructing and reconstructing my faith, I've spent a lot of time exploring this beautiful characteristic of God considering my experiences. If you, like me, spent time in similar faith circles you might relate to some of the challenges that this brought into a relationship with God. 

Everyday conversation in my previous faith community included phrases like “God told me to... (fill in the blank)”.  Or “Wait for a word from God before you (do anything).” There was a lot of emphasis on seeking God to discover God’s will for your life and doing it. This was the rhythm that was created in a life of faith. Seek God, get a word from God, then do the thing God told you to do and be blessed. Sounds simple, right?   

It becomes complicated when you are taught that “doing God’s will” is crucial to living a life of faith and receiving the promise and provision of God. Just like in Genesis, obeying or disobeying could have significant repercussions in my life. Being “out of God’s will” was dangerous as it took me out from under God’s protection here on earth as well as could jeopardize the eternity of my soul. The will of God was this mysterious compelling force that presumably catapulted you into the plans God had for your life.  I both feared and loved this God who somehow held the secrets of my destiny like a hand of cards that he revealed one play at a time. I was supposed to trust that the cards were good. If I was dealt a bad hand, no worries, God would work it all together for my good. Because it was all a part of God’s plan, right? I believed this at a very core level. Learning to hear the voice of God was more than just prayer and communion with God, it was one of the core disciplines that would determine the success of my spiritual life and whether or not God would find it worthy.  

I was taught that God speaks primarily through the Bible, and oftentimes through the Holy Spirit that lives inside of me. There was the occasional coincidence or sign that “might” be God speaking, and God could even speak through other people that exercise spiritual gifts of prophecy, words of knowledge or words of wisdom. If there was any confusion about whether or not God had spoken, the Bible was the final authority. "Take the word from God to the word of God!" (I'll save the unpacking of that statement for another day.)

The message was that I shouldn’t trust my heart, my emotions, my flesh or my own understanding because I am a mere human. Being human made me sinful and wicked and in desperate need of God to save me from myself. Somehow, I was to follow the “leading of the Spirit” based on a “spiritual word or feeling” yet at the same time I wasn’t to trust my own feelings. It was a complicated dance that was measured by the authority of the scriptures.  The bible was supposed to be the fallback. A collection of stories written down over hundreds of years and compiled into a book by a group of men who decided what was and wasn’t sacred was supposed to confirm if God told me to marry someone, go to college or take a job.

The challenge in living a life of "hearing from God" is that it isn't as black and white as you would expect it to be. Tangled up in the best of intentions to do the “right things” were messages that I could be in God’s will one day, but out of it the next. It gave God ultimate control and painted an image of a God that dangled carrots and did magic tricks to provide but only if I was obedient and worthy. I had to please God with obedience to see the blessing of God.

For a lot of years, this game I watched God play at the table of my life felt like my “purpose”. I would wait and see what card was played next to determine what my next step was. Somehow this translated as being “spiritual” and “faithful”.  I held very loosely to my possessions and traveled the world for Jesus. I often would use every resource I had for ministry. I moved my entire life to another country and even got engaged to a man because I was convinced God “told” me to. I frequently prioritized ministry/church over family functions, I put myself and others in potentially dangerous situations… and called it a life of faithful service to God. 

As I sit here writing these things, hindsight is not 20/20 for me. I wish that it was. I wish I could look back at that season of blind faith and “obedience” to what I thought was the “call of God in my life” and define for you exactly what was and what wasn’t God.  It has taken me a long time to untangle the messages that were woven into my early experiences in Christianity while still holding in the same hand the beliefs I have about a God who is present and loving and still speaks to me today.  

What happens when you are sure you are doing all the “obedient” things, but the blessing of God doesn’t come? What happens when things don’t turn out the way you thought “God promised” they would? Did we miss the mark? Is God punishing disobedience?  If that is how it works, what does that say about God?

The process is complex and messy, both painful and beautiful. There was a time I held so tight to the mess because I didn't think I could let it go without throwing away the God that I know and love. It simply isn't true. Little by little, I've learned to loosen my grip and let wonder and the possibility of God into the mess. I've been able to reconnect and open my heart and mind to the ideas that God isn't black or white, and maybe there isn't a determined path of right and wrong turns. Maybe the path is simply a messy, overgrown garden and walking it is simply a series of choices we make with God as we discover and wonder and create.  I write these words and share them in this space because even though I don't have it all figured out yet, I know God lives in this mess. God loves me, in this mess. God still speaks, in the mess.